Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
