When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
