...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
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found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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