look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
