I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
