Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
