Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
