Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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