Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Someone shattered a urinal.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
