One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
