sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
