My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
