Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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