Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
