i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
