just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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