Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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