Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
