Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
