Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
