My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
