I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
