Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
