I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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