Can i not drive my cunt home
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
