Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
