Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
