sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
