My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
