you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
