i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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