My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
