I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
