just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
