I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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