I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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