My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
