so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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