M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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