every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
