Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
