I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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