I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
