i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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