there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
