so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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