Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
