I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
