3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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