A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
