Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
