I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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