My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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