I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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