i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
