mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
