the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
