I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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