Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She announced her abortion via fbk
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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