Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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